Seasons

~~Winter Love~~

Christmas is never known as a special season to me. Yet all my special memories exist during this time. My most precious memories both good and bad happened during this time.

My life was on the brink of the end. Nothing seemed to matter to me anymore. Whether the Hispanic guys on the street were to rape me or molest me, whether or not I would fail my courses, anything and everything, I was going to just end it here and now. I was going to end my chances with love, without even attempting it once.

I had always loved Christmas, 

Past Reflection...
There was snow. Snow everywhere. Snow that piled up to the top of roofs. It was 1996, the biggest blizzard of the century. I had climb up the snow mountain. It was the greatest time of year. A few days after the snowfall, there was more snow. Slowly falling down, like stars falling from the heaven. It was beautiful. I began to dance under all the snow.

That year, it was also the first time I had tried ice skating. The beautiful figure skaters that were once on television, the beautiful Michelle Kwan that I loved to watch. I was on her terrain. The beautiful, icy, and slippery ice. The most beautiful place to be. I was skating on the ice like magic. I never wanted it to end. 

On Christmas, my family and I went to Rockefeller Center. We played near the fountain that was on 49th St. We watched ice skaters skate. We looked and took pictures with the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, the tallest tree of the year. I sniffed, and I loved the cold winter air. I never wanted the feeling to end.

...so I decided to leave once Christmas ended and leave by the time New Years came along.

I had scheduled a meeting at my house to hold an event. My friend came over first, playing around with my brother. Later, my friend brought his friend. I can never forget how I met the guy that day.

It was December 28, 2003. It was a Monday if I remembered correctly. I was waiting for all my guests to arrive. One had come. He was at my house for about an hour before the next group arrived. My friend had brought over his best friend from junior high school. 

He had wanted to pair me up with him during my freshmen year, but I said no, because I felt uncomfortable around new people. But suddenly, he made a grand entrance into my heart. 

I remember the day clearly. The sun was out; it was bright, so bright it blinded my eyes. I thought I had seen an angel. When I opened the door to allow my guests to come in, there he was, sitting on the railing. The light blinding me, not allowing me to see his face. My heart had skipped a beat. My cheeks flushed red. I ran upstairs, thinking constantly, why? Why?

My friend and he came upstairs. They sat in the living room, while I was in the "play" room where everyone else was. I constantly peeked, wondering what they were doing. Trying to find out more about him. 

I asked for his name, "What's your name?"

He replied, "John" (this is not his real name. I made it John)

"What is it?"

"John."

"Nice to meet you! I'm Donna."

He smiled back at me. I invited them into the play room, so they wouldn't feel lonely. We had joked around nearly the entire day. Making fun of Jason, John's friend. 

I thought everyone was doing fine and getting along nicely. I had gone out for a second to grab drinks. When I came back, John's back made me want to hug him. For some reason, I couldn't do it. I held back. 

I thought he looked at me, with some weird face. He kept staring at me. Yet when I looked at him, he stared away. 

My heart skipped a few beats when John and Jason decided to go home. I was sad. Yet I really wanted to find out more about him. When I saw Jason go online, I asked him about John. I digged deeper and deeper. Jason suddenly said, "You like him don't you?"

I told him, "No I don't," I said, while getting startled and red.

I didn't know how to get in touch with him; I didn't know how to find him.

It was past January 1st and I was still among the living. For some reason, I couldn't forget about him. I kept thinking about that shining light I saw him under. I wanted to get a hold of him; I wanted to get to know him better.

In early February, I had finally slightly forgotten about him. Losing all hope. However, a few weeks after trying to forget him, I was invited to a chat room. In this chat room, I saw him. It made me want to get to know him better. But I did not attempt to. Instead, I just didn't move, and minded my own business, with my heart skipping a beat again.

A week later, I was invited into a private chat room, with him, a friend and me. We were trying to set up a date to go out and do things. However John rejected. So I decided not to go. But as soon as my friend left the chat room, I asked him questions. I pried into his life. Asking the things I wanted to. I asked if I could add him onto my buddy list. He said yes.

I wondered if he remembered me, and he did. I was ecstatic. Suddenly, I felt comfortable talking to him. I felt like he was my closest and best friend. 

Everyday when I went to school, I would rush home to see if he was on. If he wasn't I would stay there until his name popped up. If he was, I would message him saying, "Hi. How was your day?" And then talked to him until the late evening. 

On Valentine's Day, I remembered talking to him. Telling him how much I hated it. How pointless the holiday was for singles like us everywhere. I said bye, before I headed out to the city with another friend of mine. I had also gotten his number. He began giving me wake up calls for a week or so. 

When I came home, I don't know if I was drunk or just suddenly brave, but I told him, "I like you." He didn't have a response. So I told him, "It's okay if you don't like me or anything. But I just hope you would give me a chance."

On the Wednesday after Valentine's Day, I asked him to hang out at my house, watching anime and playing random games. However, it seemed he was too nervous to be with me, and dragged his friend around the city, coming late to see me, and ended up leaving. 

On that Thursday, we had decided to go to the movies. Everyone ended up bringing people along. I brought my brother; he brought over two of his friends, Jason and another. We didn't watch a movie; instead we ended up playing pool at the pool hall near by. 

I never played before, so I sat there watching, flirting with John when he was not playing. For some reason, the next time I played pool, I grew a strange liking to the game, and I wanted to learn and become better.

Finally, on that Sunday, he and I were able to go out together. It was the first date that I would ever be on. It was the fist everything I had done.

After my volunteer work, he was waiting outside like he promised. He was reading a book from school. We started to head out. We were going to Rockefeller Center: The place that I loved to be the most during cold days. We were going to walk there. It was nearly 60 blocks to get there. 

He was directing the way. He wasn't sure how to exactly get there. He got us lost. But it was fun getting lost there. For some reason, I felt safe. Safe enough to jump into the middle of the street, and be saved by him. When I had this thought, I accidentally walked into the street, not knowing where I was going. He had held my hand for a split second. 

When we got to Rockefeller Center, we didn't do anything. We had only looked at the ice skaters skate on the ice. Silence was all around me. I could hear his breathing. I could hear my heart. 

We didn't talk about much. Just there, being side by side together. It was a wondering February 22nd day though I had gotten lost. 

After standing around, doing nothing, we had got onto the train and started to go home. We had only spent three hours with each other.

When we both got home. We started talking to each other. Comfortably like the date was just an awkward feeling. We had talked about ways we could've act, things we could've done, our feelings towards each other, and multiple other things. 

After talking about it for nearly six hours, he headed out to Jason's house to hang out. He told me, he would be back to talk to me after he came back. After nearly three hours, he came back and started talking to me again.

We didn't meet until the next Sunday. But exchanged multiple phone calls, messages, and encountered each other online a lot.

After we dated for a month, I went over to his place. It was already mid-March. It was awkward there. We did not do anything but sit there chatting about our day. Until suddenly we started kissing, because of a letter I sent him. 

It was both our first kisses. We didn't know what we were doing, we locked lips. It was a special first kiss. We had both gone red from the kiss.

A few weeks after, we brought it up a step and then another. I loved kissing him, and he loved kissing me. It was an unforgettable thought. 

The thoughts of death never came back. Until we decided to call it quits. I had stopped eating and drinking for three days. Three days was how long it was until we decided to give it another try. I was scared; the thoughts of him leaving me never left my side. 

Until June came, we had celebrated his birthday. It felt as though he was breaking away from me. He was isolating himself from me. It made me feel broken. But all I knew was that I love him, and that my future had him in it.

When summer came, we had spent more and more time with each other. But he seemed to be bored of me after spending nearly every day seeing me. with no breaks. 

When Christmas came around, the awkwardness of break-up came again. It felt as though he was going to leave me. I had felt it. I knew it was going to come. Which it did in February, a week after our one year anniversary. 

We were once again separated. However this time, we never got back together until months later.

He had gone out with another girl. I pushed him far enough to go that far. I loved him. I still love him. And he stilled loved me. I was once again on a brink of falling off a cliff, unable to pull myself up, getting no help from anyone.

My friends tried to comfort me. They told me, “there were more fish in the sea," "it isn't the end." But to me, I felt like the world had just ended, with only me dying. 

Some of my friends found out I wasn't eating. I was pale. My stomach growled. I kept crying in class. When I was alone. I cried here and there. Some said I was getting thinner. Others said I was getting paler.

I had decided. Instead of making the day of my special season, I would make it a special day for only me to fall off the cliff. I didn't tell anyone when this date yet. Nor has the time come yet. But it is a special day for me and only me. Maybe when I disappear from this world, people will know what that special day was. 

There is no way for me to change this date. Unless good things happen after that time. I would not change it. For this, something entirely different had to come to me. Some new love. Some lost love. Something to make it so I forget this time.

I began eating. Just to please everyone. I had lost over 10 pounds during the two weeks I did not eat. If I ate anything, I would throw it all up after ten minutes. I was weak. I could not even stand up much anymore. 

I had skipped gym so that I wouldn't faint in class. I still cried when I was alone. I still cried when I was reminded of him. I couldn't take it. I was introduced to other guys. I fell for random guys just so I wouldn't feel alone. But never went out with them. I knew my mind thought of them as JUST a rebound. 

~~Summer Blues~~

There were only three guys. Three which tried far enough. Even though they knew I was thinking of them as a rebound. They wanted something from me.

One guy, who had fallen for me years before, but never told me. He was always close to me. But he never said anything. He had only told me after my break up he had fallen for me before. He wanted to make me happy. He wanted to see me happy and giddy like before when I had met him. He wanted to see the mask I always put on for everyone to see. I decided to hang out as friends with him for a little while. We had gone to the movies together. We had gone to see Batman Returns. I had also gone to his house to play pool in his basement. But after that, I still thought of John. I couldn't handle it. He found out a deep secret of mine. I was trying to push him away. Push him far away. I was successful.

Soon after, I was friends with him again. But another guy popped up. This guy knew me from another friend of mine from school. He had seen me around. He had hung out with me a few times. He had seen pictures of me with my friends. So he tried to ask me out. However, my mind was thinking one thing: "He just wants to get in my pants." I was invited to a party of his. My friend was there. But I was no where to be seen. My friend told me that he was really drunk and told her, "I was about to make her forget tonight. I was about to make her mine." My friend told me, he really wanted to get into my pants. I had lost contact with him soon after.

After this, was another guy. He had fallen for me. He knew of my past. But he wanted to go off on a blind date. He asked where I was going many days. He tried to bump into me. He tried to follow me. If I said I was going to 14th st, he was somewhere nearby. If I said I was going to this Barnes and Noble, he was outside waiting for me. If I said I was going to Starbucks, he had pay for all the asian girls who had entered, and then asked for her name, hoping it was me. 

When I was going to a Barnes and Noble one day, I saw him outside. I had stayed in the Barnes and Noble for over six hours, and he was still waiting outside. I decided to talk to him, and tell him it was me. He was surpised. He had told me that he was glad he was able to find me and talk to me. He later told me, "You look cuter in person than a picture." I was pissed. I hated being called cute more than anything else in the world. He then followed me to other locations I was going to stop by. I had gone to Rockefeller Center once more. Except this time, with him. After not going in so long. I had gone into a bookstore. Soon after, tried to leave him behind and gone to watch the ice skaters skate. However, he found me there. He had remembered why I liked Rockefeller Center. He sat next to me, talking to me. He tried to hold my hand when I had sat down on a nearby bench. I had taken my hand away. He didn't quite understand. He was then doing all the talking, while I stayed there quiet. He was trying to "understand" me a bit more. He began to lean towards me. He tried to kiss me. Instead I moved away, Just in time for a miss. 

I told him that I was going to go into the bookstore to get something. I had taken nearly $200 worth of books to the cash register. I was trying to get him away from me. They were books I wanted, but would never buy. He came to the counter, and paid for it. Giving it to me as a gift. He tried to bring me home. He walked me home for a while. I pretended I had a phone call and picked it up. He gave me a note in a bottle, trying to be romantic. We had departed. 

The note read,"I've been waiting to meet you for a while now. I know you may not believe me, but you're awfully cute. I hope you give me a chance to be your boyfriend. I guarantee you that I will love you and only you. I promise that you'll be the happiest woman in the world." It was corny. so i dumped the letter and bottle into a corner of the room, never touching it.  

Soon after, he began to talk to me online. He told me he had a great time. He said he wanted to meet again. I told him, "Why would you want a suicidal woman to be your girlfriend?" He responded, "Because that's who you are." I told him I never wanted to talk to him again; I was frustrated and pissed. I really wanted to be back with John. I wished he had called. 

Later my phone rang. I was excited. But it wasn't John. It was the guy again. He told me, if I wanted to borrow his books he had on architecture since he knew I had a fondness to architecture. I told him sure and that we could meet up on Saturday. He handed me the books at Rockefeller Center once more. He told me, he wanted to bring me somewhere special. He approached a hotel building. He went in, dragging me with him. 

He told me, "I reserved a room." 

I slapped him. I told him, "I'm not a sex toy. You can't just freely drag me around and want to rape me." 

He responded, "How did you know?" 

I yelled, "THIS IS A FUCKING HOTEL!!!"

"Well, think about it. You're cute. I'm a guy. And I'm good looking too. You know you thought about doing it with me right? You said you wanted to forget right? You wanted to fall in love again? You wanted to just die? If you wanted to die, why end it like that? Allow others to step on you, use you to allow them to feel happy."

"I never thought such things when I met up with you. The way you think I should forget is different from my view! I want to fall in love. But there is no love on my end. There is no LOVE on your end either. And if I were to die, I wouldn't want anyone else to be happy. I want them to suffer. Suffer deep pains. Never getting what they want. I don't want them to be happy. I don't want you to be satisfied."

He backed away. He ran off. He was scared of my expression. He wanted nothing to do with me.

~~Fall~~
I had finally gone seven months. Seven months of deep pain. Seven months without being with the person I loved. The seaons were changing. My friends dare not do anything to make me sad or pissed. 

My friends tried to get me to do things with them. I had gone to the school parties. I participated in the club events. I ran a club. I participated in the sports in my school as a manager. I hung out with friends. I participated in senior events. They had tried really hard to make me forget

We had gone to play pool one day. I had bumped into John. John was heading off somewhere. I was wearing my Vietnamese gown to go play pool before the Halloween Carnival at my school. He had seen me in the gown and was particularly fond of it. We parted.

Later that evening. He had called. He wanted to see me. So I agreed. 

~~Winter Reminisce~~
It was now December once more. John had remembered the feeling. He bought me gifts. He had made me want to love again. 

It was December again. He had decided to give it another shot. I was surprised to hear it. But I wanted to be with him more than anything. 

We have no idea where it would take us. But hopefully it will end up where we want it to. Hopefully.....